A Confidential Letter To One of My Oldest & Dearest Friends, Sir Keith Stürmer – What We Need Is Rebranding – Not so much New Labour as New Tory
If We are Going to Bury Corbyn then We Have to Be Clear As to Our Message – Not ‘For the Many not the Few’ but ‘For the Few not the Many’!
Dear Sir Keith,
I am so looking forward to being readmitted to the Labour Party after 5 long years next February. In just two years under your stewardship it has changed beyond recognition.
I have to be honest with you. You do not know the trauma I suffered when, having been expelled, you were the first person to react, tweeting with your customary brevity just one word ‘good’..
So you can imagine my joy when you resumed our correspondence, even if it was only to beg for money.
I always enjoy your emails about your family and especially your Zionist wife, Victoria. I was particularly interested to hear about your old man the toolmaker (even if he did own the factory) to say nothing of your mum the nurse.
I know Labour’s Corbynite troublemakers and those wrong sorts of Jews have nothing nice to say about you but in my view you are a warm and empathetic, even if a bit stiff at times. I put it down to shyness and possibly an allergy –socialism. You certainly do not deserve the opprobrium that has been aimed at you.
However I hope that doesn’t deter you from doing what is right. Why should the NHS be exempt from the choice agenda and privatisation? Unfortunately Boris has made a hash of it, spending all that money on COVID when we could have used it to buy shiny new missiles.
When all is said and done, if something can’t make a fast buck or two what’s the point in having it? Like you I am a convert to neo-liberalism. Why should people expect to be treated for free just because they are ill? It seems so unfair. Why work if it’s going to be free? Where is the incentive? After all we are all going to die sometime so what does it matter if the proles go first?
I know you agree with me but we can’t be seen to be saying these sorts of things aloud or else the louts will shout that we are ‘Red Tories’ when it’s not true. We are Deepest Blue!
If we hand over everything to Virgin Healthcare and that nice Mr Branson then I’m sure the great unwashed won’t mind paying for their GP appointments and X-rays. And they also won’t miss so many appointments if they have to pay for them first!
In fact I’d go further. We could privatise the Police and the Army. Instead of draining all our hard earned taxes we could sell them to the first bidder and fund them through raffles and appeals. ‘Adopt a squaddie’ could be quite a catchy slogan don’t you think?
We could have a BP battalion and a Shell sergeant major. After all, when all is said and done, the role of the armed forces is to defend the interests of British multi-nationals. We could have a G4 police force. Why should the Police be available to any malcontent with a grudge or complaint of racial discrimination? They are there to defend men (and women) of property not those who don’t have a brass farthing to rub together.
I have been thinking long and hard about improving Labour’s election prospects because there’s nothing I want to see more than a Labour version of Boris entering No. 10. We need a political strategy.
I know that this Beergate Affair has blown you off course but I think I’ve found the solution. The Police only began this investigation after it was revealed that that Jezebel, Angela Rayner, was also present. It is obvious what happened and that also explains your beer and curry. After all you normally drink only the finest claret and dine in the best restaurants.
Clearly that Rayner got you by yourself in a room and performed the same trick that she practised on Boris, namely opening and closing her legs. You of course being a highly moral man immediately panicked and rushed out of the room grabbing the nearest drink to calm you down whilst someone plonked a curry in your hands. Far from partying you were doing the exact opposite.
I have also been worrying about the criticism that no one knows what you stand for. It is unfortunate that you still have those 10 Pledges up on your site and I can only advise that you get David Evans to scrub them. Then you can deny that they ever existed, much like the debate on Palestine at Labour Party Conference!
After all you don’t really want to tax the rich even more than they pay at present. As for promoting peace and human rights, how does that square with fulsome support for NATO? Common Ownership made for an embarrassing interview with Andrew Marr.
And as for the final pledge, ‘Effective opposition to the Tories’, even your worst enemy couldn’t accuse you of that. The common perception is that you are Boris’s forensic twin. It is my job to try and change that. But if I am to succeed and get you into No. 10 then we need radical changes.
Of course we all know what you stand for – unrestrained capitalism and rule by the rich for the rich. But the real problem is how to transform that into a winning electoral strategy?
Well I think I’ve cracked it. I had a chat the other day with Mandy Mandelson who was busy at the time trying to get another free ‘loan’ off a rich Zionist in exchange for a few beads. He wasn’t particular enthusiastic at first but I think I won him round.
Old Cor*** (like Lord Voldemort it’s best not to mention him by name for fear of frightening the children), whatever else you can say about him (and I know you have a lot to say!) did have one thing going for him. A catchy slogan – For the Many not the Few – which our Zionist friends changed to For the Many not the Jew!
Your problem is that you find it difficult to wrap up what you stand for in 6 or so words. ‘Building a Police State for the Many’ doesn’t quite cut it with most people.
So I thought to myself why not reverse old Cor***’s slogan. Instead of ‘For the Many not the Few’ why not ‘For the Few not the Many’! Yes I know it doesn’t have the same ring to it at first but it grows on you with time. What we are doing is holding out to the masses the prospect of them also becoming part of the few. They too can become filthy rich and trample on the rest.
And with this slogan we can also say that we are the party of integrity and honesty. After all, from Thatcher to Blair to Cameron and Johnson, all governments have been governments of the rich by the rich and for the rich, transferring loot from the feckless poor to the affluent few (I nearly said the ruling class, sorry). It’s just that they didn’t have the honesty to say out aloud what they were thinking. That’s where we could be different. We won’t hide it!
Please have a think about it because I hate to see good ideas go to waste.
Please don’t get me wrong Keith. I really do appreciate your letters to me asking for some of my hard earned cash. Unfortunately business hasn’t been good lately. But I was thinking. How about you put my name forward to become a peer of the realm?
When I came to Brighton I began squatting with Steve, now Lord Bassam of Brighton, who was Labour Chief Whip in the Lords before he got caught out double claiming on his expenses. Unfortunately when Blair made him a Lord he forgot about me. Which is a classic example of anti-Semitism which I know you care very deeply about.
Nonetheless, despite my personal disappointment, I wrote a short biography of Brighton’s new Lord, The Noble Sayings of Lord Bassam of Brighton accompanied by a flattering poster.
Well to cut a long story short, instead of having to survive on a state pension I could pop into the Lords each day and trouser £300+ tax free. I’m sure a few businesses would be only too happy to have Baron Greenstein of Kemptown sit on their board of directors for a small consultancy fee. I was just thinking that if you could see your way to nominating me then I could let you have the odd 50 quid.
I realise however that my donations won’t solve your problem which are systemic. Basically the more people you expel the less money you have. Especially as the buggers keep suing you and the legal bills mount. What to do? I think I have found a solution and wanted you to apply your forensic mind to it.
The Labour Party’s relationship to its members is a contractual one. And furthermore we have the right to change the contract unilaterally at any time. What if we make it a condition of membership that you have to keep paying your subs, even if you are expelled for 5 years? I don’t see why people who have been expelled for the grave crime of not supporting Israel, right or wrong, should profit from those crimes. It will serve them right if they still have to keep paying their subs. In fact we could create a special rate for people who are expelled (higher of course)!
In fact if we create a special rate for those who resign too it will definitely be in our interest to have as small a membership as possible! As you can see I am a mine of good ideas. This is what is called blue sky thinking. Of course we don’t need to tell members about this until we get to Conference and even then we can slip it in amongst all the other rule changes. I was thinking of making it explicit that anyone who describes themselves as a socialist is automatically barred from standing for public office but I am told they already are!
But above all we need a rebrand. ‘Labour’ is so passé and 20th century. Tony Blair was groping in this direction with ‘New Labour’ but I would go one step further. Instead of New Labour why not New Tory? That might appeal to the South in which case we can say good riddance to the Red Wall and leave them to Boris.
Speaking of the Red Wall. I know that Michael Gove of the swivelling eyes is keen on levelling up but we all know that it is a con. Why don’t we come out with levelling down instead? Equality among the poor is after all a form of socialism!!
We could also change the tax system which I’ve always thought to be very unfair. At the moment the more you earn the more tax you pay. And at a higher rate. It creates no incentive to exploit others or become rich. That must change.
How about if we propose that the less you earn the higher the rate of tax and if you earn above a million or so then you don’t have to pay any tax? Yes I know what the objections are but look at the advantages. Instead of paying expensive accountants to find ways of avoiding taxes there would no longer be a need for them since there would be no taxes to pay anyway!
And the poor, being poor, wouldn’t be able to hire accountants. Not that there would be anything to hide. So all that money would come flooding back from the tax havens and everyone would be happy. Except the poor and workshy.
As I say I have lots of ideas for a New Tory Party led by you. And if we adopt the Republican strategy of making it impossible for Blacks and the poor to vote then we won’t have to worry about the electoral consequences!!
And just one final thing. I’ve always found the Red Flag stuck in my throat at party conference. With all your flag waving and patriotism why not Land of Hope and Glory? Far better than all that stuff about traitors flinching and cowards sneering.
We have to put clear blue water not only between old Cor**** and us but between us and Boris too.