An Occasional Letter to an Old Friend, Sir Keith Stürmer QC
Congratulations. Even Boris Couldn’t Match Your Chutzpah
I have known Sir Keith Stürmer ever since I was at law school. So you can imagine how I felt when he was the first MP to welcome my expulsion 4 years ago with a one word tweet ‘good’. Keith was never one to waste words except when spending one and a half hours telling us about his family in his speech to Labour Party conference.
So you can imagine how I felt when Keith sent me a personal letter asking for some cash. Naturally I was over the moon that Keith had reached out to me again and I felt that the least I could do was pen him a short letter offering him some advice. Please keep this confidential as I don’t want to be expelled again when I rejoin the party next February!
Letter to Sir Keith
It’s always good to hear from an old friend, even one who welcomed my expulsion. Let it never be said of me that I bear a grudge. I know how difficult it must be to turn around the good ship Labour if it to become acceptable again to the British Establishment.
I know you will appreciate frankness and honesty from an old friend. After all it’s more than you will get from Rachel Reeves and Angela Rayner as they plot to stab you in your back (or in the case of Jess Philips from the front).
I have to confess that I was somewhat hurt, given our longstanding friendship, to read your tweet four years ago. For a man not known for his way with words, your one word response, ‘good’ to my expulsion was very hurtful. However that is water under the bridge.
It was with some surprise that I received your begging email asking me to part with some of the benefits you intend to cut. Apparently you are in some form of financial crisis. It is very unfortunate that because of all the resignations and expulsions that you have lost all this money, to say nothing of all the legal expenses incurred when they protest.
That is what comes of relying on the advice of the Prince of Darkness (Mandelson). He never did have much of a clue when it came to money, especially when it belonged to someone else. From what I recall he had to resign, not once but twice, over some shady loans from a Labour MP Geoff Robinson whose affairs he was suppose to be investigating.
But I want to congratulate you nonetheless. You have single handedly redefined that old Yiddish word, ‘Chutzpah’. As you may know Chutzpah applies to a boy who, having killed both his parents asks for mercy from the courts because he is now an orphan!
It seems that you are now asking me for money in order that you can expel more people like me. Surely you can wait till my 5 year expulsion is up before I’m readmitted to the Party next February in order that I can be expelled again? Or is the situation so desperate that can’t you wait?
Don’t get me wrong Keith. I fully understand your problem. The more people you expel the less money the Labour Party has to expel people with. The answer is obvious. Why don’t you ask those who are expelled to make a contribution to their own expulsions or set up an expulsion fund and ask our friends in the City if they might consider contributing?
You could for example, when sending an expulsion letter, include a paragraph explaining how expensive it is to expel people and asking if they would mind contributing.
I know that history is not one your stronger points so I thought it might be of some help if I provided you with a precedent in case anyone questions my brilliant idea.
In October 1941 the Nazis began deporting Jews from Germany. However they ran into a problem. The trains they hired cost money, as the Reichsbahn charged per passenger mile. Not only that but they had to pay good money in order to seize them as many Jews refused to come willingly. What were they to do?
In stepped Paul Eppstein of the Reichsvereinigung, the Jewish Council (Judenrat), which the Nazis had appointed. Eppstein, like all Council members was a Zionist. Why not, Eppstein suggested to the Gestapo get the Jews to pay for their own deportation? After all it made sense. Why should they get a free trip to holiday destinations such as Riga, Minsk, Kaunas or Lodz? Sure they were not likely to live very long but that was no reason not to pay their way. You can read the details in Raul Hilberg’s Destruction of the European Jews (p.486). You’re not known as Herr Stürmer for nothing.
Expelling people doesn’t come cheap. It was barely a year ago that you hired Assaf Kaplan, the Israeli spy, in order to streamline the business of spying on members and make it more efficient. I know his official title was ‘social listening and organising manager’ but I think we all know what ‘social listening’ really is – eavesdropping!!
I must confess that I am impressed with Kaplan. Only last week that well-known troublemaker, Roger Silverman (another Jew expelled in the fight against anti-Semitism) called a meeting of shadow CLPs. There were just 20 of us discussing how to get rid of you and what would you know? One of the 20, camera turned off of course, was Kaplan’ spy. And within a couple of days a Notice of Investigation was emailed to a woman, let us call her Jane. Apparently it’s her third such Notice, which I have to say is extremely wasteful of resources. Can’t these expulsions be streamlined?
At the risk of being accused of anti-Semitism it seems to me that there are lots of good historical precedents to the political (I nearly said ‘ethnic’) cleansing that is so necessary if we are to form a safe (for capitalism) alternative to the Tories. If the Establishment aren’t going to object to you forming a government and becoming PM then we have to prove that we can be trusted not to tax their ill-gotten gains, I mean hard-earned income.
And to do that we have to employ lots of extra staff, whilst saying goodbye to staff trying to recruit members. After all members are more trouble than they are worth as Rachel so wisely observed.
If Labour is going to be trusted then it is essential that you keep close tabs on the members, most of whom voted for that Corbyn fellow. Paying people to become informers has a long and noble history. Why Anne Frank would still be around today if the Gestapo had been squeamish about their methods. You can’t afford to be sentimental.
But first a few words of advice from an old friend. I fully understand why you had to pretend to be continuity Corbyn and issue those 10 Pledges. But do you still have to have them on your website?
We are not going to win over many friends in high places with promises to increase income tax for the top 5% or reverse cuts in Corporation Tax. And ending “the Tories’ cruel sanctions regime” is the kind of thing Corbyn would have said.
As for “No more illegal wars. Introduce a Prevention of Military Intervention Act.” How does that square with talk of waging war against Russia. And as for ‘Support common ownership of rail, mail, energy and water”. We all know you didn’t mean it so why is it still there? And ‘Strengthen(ing) workers’ rights and trade unions’ sounds a bit too much like Corbyn. What are you going to do at the next election when you promise that nothing will change and the Tories then start quoting from your Pledges? Take my advice and be shot of them now. You have to appease Momentum types now!
And then there is anti-Semitism. You promised to root it out but it seems you and David Evans have barely started. To be blunt there are still too many Jews (of the wrong kind of course) in the party. Can’t you proscribe anyone who is Jewish unless they prove they are a Zionist?
Speaking of which another problem has surfaced. It’s all very well expelling people who call Israel an Apartheid State but one of those annoying human rights groups, Amnesty International, has just issued a report saying that Israel was an Apartheid state.
My advice is to make Amnesty International a proscribed organisation. Anyone who is a member or supporter is out on their ears. What would Louise Ellman say if she knew that these bleeding heart liberals were still around?
My advice to you Keith is to be bold and taken no prisoners. Follow the example of the Jewish State. Shoot first and ask questions later.
With all best wishes,